Frightful Friday Funny

Q: Does it work on werewolves?

A: Only if you add a cup of silver with it. But werewolves aren't pests if you feed them right.

A: Only on American werewolves in London.

A: I rub them on my children and stuff them in their pants pockets when it's a full moon, and so far they have exhibited no further symptoms, though we do have to continue waxing their unibrows. But they had those before.

A: Placed some pouches around the window perimeter, and the werewolf merely peered through the glass. It did not attempt to break through glass and enter. Great product.

A: Yes, but only in conjunction with wooden stakes, which are sold separately.

Q: Will this make you a friend to the penguins?

A: I wore it in Antarctica and the penguins kept bringing me fish. I wouldn't say you become a friend to the penguins, you become their leader.

Q: Will wearing this mask make me more susceptible to attacks by leopard seals?

A: I didn't have a problem with leopard seals. Probably due to an advanced defensive perimeter designed against them. But I did have issues with small children trying to take it so they could have a turn.

A: I have found that, at least in the state of Washington, this is not a common problem. Can't guarantee for your location, however. Hope this helps!

Review: I needed a mask to wear in the shops due to contagion restrictions. The staff in my local co-op weren’t happy about this, so I pecked at them, then went home to throw up dead fish in the faces of my children.

Review: REQUEST FOR ASSISTANCE - STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL.

Greetings carbon-based earth creature, I am Glatpok Zorthruus the son of a retired Supreme Galactic General in the Xorplaxian Army and a former minister. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable carbon-based earth creature to handle a very confidential transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of Xorplaxian currency to a foreign account.

There were series of contracts executed by an Interstellar Consortium of Planets for the Ministry in which my father was minister on our homeworld. The original values of these contracts were deliberately over-invoiced to the tune of forty-one bazillion Xorplaxian Gluurts. The over-invoiced sum he purposed to acquire for himself after retirement. Unfortunately, things took another turn.I will explain more to you when you show your interest to assist me. Consequently, I am looking for someone who will help us (my father and I) to receive the money on our behalf. Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20% of the total transferred sum. While we shall take 75% and the balance 5% has been set aside to take care of any expenses you shall incure in the process of the transfer of this fund.

Yours faithfully,

Prince Glatpok Zorthruus
Commander of the Xorplaxian Fifth "Purple Zithanportap" BrigadeV P.S. We will require initial investment to be made with one bazillion Xorplaxian Gluurts' worth of UFO-01 Detectors.

Review: Worked like a charm. I purchased this book because I was tired of people sitting too near me on public transportation.

Review: A little too fuzzy, and no USB port.

Review: My grandma loved it. You could tell by the look on her face that she liked it.

Review: Came full of rats and spider webs. But Grandpa kept a straight face, so that's gotta be worth something.

Review: When we opened it up, we found a bunch of bones and dust. After a few days of thorough cleaning, it looked good as new. The smell was still there though, so had a closed casket funeral.

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Friday Funny

Funniest product reviews a decade ago...

Ok for cleaning teeth, not so great for killing ants. Picked this up for use in one of my kid's 'diversity' projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.

Ran out of toothpaste and remembered how you're supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! All I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Boy, it sure did not kill those ants!

Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils.

And the darn trash man refuses to take them away.

I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.

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Timeless Style: True story - I spotted these on a grandpa leaving the Menard's parking lot the other day. Considering they were new in 1985, these Zubaz are as durable as they are stylish.

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Weary of Paying Full PriceI tried the Tuscan Chocolate Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. It was "good", but not "45-dollars" good.

Next time I'll wait until someone's selling a used copy.

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Oddly, I only recently became aware of the The Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, but I moved quickly to secure my own piece of Machine Washable Awesomeness. As soon as it arrived, I knew I was in for something special, as the Fed Ex guy delivered it while wearing a personal rocket pack that I believe he uses to jet around the country, personally handing out these Tees.

As the rocket smoke cleared, I ripped open the delivery envelope and slipped on my shirt, which at first I though was far too large for me, but strangely my torso automatically expanded to the required girth. Almost immediately, I gained voracious appetite for Moon Pies and High Fructose Corn Syrup, which I was able to satiate with a quick trip to my local Walmart (there is a special VIP cashier for Three Wolf Tee wearers).

And it was only then, upon my return to my trailer, that the full power of "the Boys" was realized. No sooner had I stepped foot into my rusting Airstream, than my girlfriend accosted me with such a ferocious passion, that she knocked out my only remaining tooth and, sheared off the axles on my trailer! Needless, to say, life has been good ever since. Indeed, the only time I have left my trailer since was to burn all of my other clothes - once you wear the Three Wolf Tee, you will never want or need to wear anything else.

Warning - do not wear this shirt if you value a life of mediocrity , or if you want to remain invisible to women.

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Finally, a tank you can trust: I'll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I've purchased overpriced, so-called "battle tanks", then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter.

But not this baby, no way.

This tank R-O-C-K-S! Literally- the 400-watt sound-system keeps me rockin like a crazy man as I'm dishing out justice commando style. Wow. I just can't say enough. And the kids love it, too- imagine the look of terror in the eyes of the enemy as I'm dropping off my kid's team to their soccer game. Shock and awe, my friends, SHOCK AND AWE!

I had NAO install the optional GPS-guided white phosphorus missile system, and talk about *SWEET*! Burn baby burn!!!

Oh, it also has plenty of room for groceries, and if you need to like move a loveseat or something it'll fit if you use a little bungee cord.

The only real negative with this tank is that it shows up on radar a little more than I like (although there is a polyresin graphite stealth model available). Also, the included spare isn't full size.

Overall, a great tank.

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Please don't make the same mistake I made. It is with the profoundest regret that I report that the Nuclear Grade duct tape does not . . . and I mean definitely not . . . eliminate the seepage of the unique form of energy created by cold fusion.

The languorous but potent Sigma waves emanated by cold fusion have escaped slowly but inevitably from our hitherto secret research facility. They have begun with a grim, inescapable determination to deactivate the electromagnetic bonds that unite all matter in the universe.

In short, the Mayan calendar should be taken very, very seriously.

Our staff has already dismantled the containment chamber from our facility, discarded the Nuclear Grade duct tape, and sold the magnesium-titanium-kryptonite intercorbite dicrumupulator tubing to a scrap dealer and used the proceeds for a case of 18-year old Scotch.

In the face of this impending universal catastrophe, we recommend not only to the human race but also to any other sentient creatures in the universe to follow our example with the utmost expedition.

If they're out of 18-year old Scotch, just do what you must do.

"Some say the world may end in fire,
Others say in ice.
We know cold fusion's released its ire,
So please take our advice"

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I Scream

I'm one who always encourages others to make lemonade when life dishes up a bowl of lemons.

I wonder how lemon ice cream would taste...

I got this bright idea last spring, when it first started getting really hot really early, to order an ice cream maker so I could make homemade (and therefor healthy with no added sugar) ice cream. I even thought it might be a great way to serve Lizard his daily teaspoon of mannitol once in a while. (Even though mannitol is a sweetener, we have not experienced weight gain from using it to help treat some of the symptoms of his Parkinson's. Lizard had been unable to smell for up to 15 years before we met; within a few months of ingesting a daily teaspoon of mannitol, he could smell popcorn. He now can smell at least 16 different things, including a few flowers, coffee and Italian spices.)

I didn't have the money to order the Amazon Basics ice cream maker at the time. I picked this particular model because of the price, but also because it makes the perfect amount of ice cream for two people. Two hungry people...

Two months later, at the beginning of summer with even more unseasonably hot temperatures, I had saved the required funds, but the price had doubled! So I waited. And waited. And waited.

Now that school's back in session (although the temperature is still very, very hot for Colorado), the price of the ice cream maker has dropped back down. I ordered one. (And no, I do not get paid for writing about anything on my blog. Ever.)

I was SO excited to make our first batch of homemade ice cream, I unpacked the machine, washed everything, put the bowl in the freezer as directed in the instructions, and mixed up a cup of whole milk from our local dairy, a cup of homemade almond milk, a cup of plain unsweetened yogurt, a pinch of pink Himalayan salt, a teaspoon of almond extract, a teaspoon of vanilla extract and a quarter cup of dark agave syrup in a large glass measuring cup. I whipped the mixture, then covered the measuring cup and placed it in the fridge to chill.

The next day, I excitedly began assembling the ice cream maker. But the mixing paddle didn't fit! No matter what I did, the attachment would not fit. I remembered it had been packaged separately from the actual mixer and stuffed between the box the mixer came in and the box in which the unit was shipped. I did an online chat with an Amazon customer service rep and learned a new mixing paddle could not be shipped separately. I'd have to return the entire unit and wait for the replacement to arrive.

I played and played and played with the third printer I bought last year (the first two printers each died within a month of purchase, and the third one feeds when it feels like it, which isn't often) to be able to work from home until I finally got two printed sheets - the return label and the bar code I'd need to stick inside the ice cream maker package. I packed up the mixer, inserted the bar code, closed and taped the box, taped the return label in place, then took the box to my local post office outpost during my lunch hour, only to learn I'd have to take it to a UPS outlet. Duh.

I cut my lunch hour short so I could leave half an hour early to find the closest UPS office before it closed at 5. Once that was done, I felt like we had earned homemade ice cream. With calories!!! (Just teasing about the calories...)

I didn't know if my little batch of ice cream mix (or I guess, ice milk mix, being as it didn't actually contain any cream) would last until the new ice cream maker arrived, so I decided to try making ice cream (or, well, frozen yogurt) really homemade, the old-shioned way, by freezing and manually stirring every half hour or so. I used a mug-sized wire whip I'd received in a secret Santa gift exchange nearly two dozen years ago. And it worked just fine, as did the manual whisk process.

We watched My Spy (which is a super cute movie, by the way!!!) while we enjoyed our first batch of homemade ice cream. I didn't snap a photo of the finished product, so I had to make another batch later on just to illustrate how well my little bowl of lemonade-like attitude worked. Both initial pints of homemade ice cream were thoroughly enjoyed by both of us! (And so was the substitute photo batch!)

The day after we finished off that first batch, our new little ice cream maker arrived. The mixing paddle for this baby arrived inside the ice cream maker box, a very good sign. I assembled the unit before washing it this time to make sure everything fit. I even plugged it in and tested it to make sure it actually worked, and then washed everything. I put the bowl in the freezer and drooled until the next day, when I'd be able to try, try again...

After the bowl had been in the freezer overnight, I put cherries, strawberries, raspberries and a banana in the blender. I added a cup of plain yogurt and a cup of homemade almond milk. I blended until the mixture looked like a fruit smoothie. I pulled the bowl out of the freezer and once again assembled the ice cream maker. I poured in the smoothie mix and turned on the ice cream maker.

The paddle was frozen in place! I tried scraping the sides of the bowl with a plastic knife, but the mixture was becoming so thick so fast, rescue was not an option. I used a big plastic spoon to stir the berry mixture, continually scraping the sides and bottom of the bowl, until it reached the consistency we like. I then spooned half of what I could get out (because it was still solidifying at break-neck speed!!!) into a clean plastic ice cream container we had saved specifically for this purpose, then mixed a teaspoon of mannitol into the second half as best I could (since the mixture was now thicker than store-bought ice cream) and dug as much out of the bowl as I could, putting it into another clean plastic ice cream container.

Here's a helpful tip: Don't spend money on a freezer storage container. Just buy your favorite flavor of Talenti (or any ice cream/sorbet/gelato that comes in a reusable container) and enjoy, then reuse!

Both containers of berry banana sorbet went into the freezer (although I probably could have kept them out on the porch in 90-plus temperatures to soften them enough to actually eat them) until after lunch.

A full hour later, the frozen sorbet remaining on the sides and bottom of the ice cream maker bowl were still thoroughly frozen but perfect to eat, as long as we were willing to put the physical effort into scraping it out of the bowl. Our second batch of homemade ice cream was as awesome as the first, and I'm anxious to give the little maker another try.

I had read many reviews prior to purchasing the little ice cream maker, so I knew whatever I put into it could freeze up quickly. I didn't realize I should have the unit running as I pour in the fruit smoothie, so I learned a big lesson for batch number three.

By this time, I had burned more than enough calories to justify what we both were secretly craving. Fresh Palisade peaches can wait. Death By Chocolate is in order. Spare no ingredients! Make this stuff rich and delicious!!!

I'm very happy to report I love this little mixer. I LOVE homemade healthy ice cream. (Or ice milk, ice almond milk, frozen yogurt, sorbet, whatever!) I love being able to treat Lizard to something healthy he loves when the weather is so frigging hot. I love to make him smile, and he loves that he can eat ice cream without guilt. Fraction of the cost, too, really.

Modifications were necessary, such as turning on the unit before pouring a mixture into it, and it can be a chore to remove every last frozen crystal. But the stuff I make tastes so good, it's worth it. Plus, I'm hopefully getting rid of some arm flab in the process!!!

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Friday Funny

We recently had to invest in a new toilet plunger. It's bad enough when the toilet backs up, but when your plunger picks that exact time to give out... Well, thank heavens for humor to lift us out of the mire and prevent potty mouth. (PS: I did not buy THIS plunger.)

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Up Close and Personal

I normally am not an ad clicker. Ever. But every once in a while, I'm tempted beyond my ability to withstand.

An ad for the Micro Phone Lens came up on my phone the other day, and being the snowflake photographer I love to be, I couldn't resist checking it out.

The price wasn't bad at all, and all four of the lenses actually had good reviews. I splurged for the $21 holiday bundle. I figured for that low a price, if the stuff is worthless, at least I wouldn't be out a ton of money.




I couldn't believe it when the three lenses arrived in the mail two days later! An empty breath mint box makes the perfect carry case to keep them safe and together.

And I could not wait to try them out. I spent my lunch hour playing with the new lenses, which look and feel an awful lot like soft contact lenses!


The photo at the top of this post is taken with my iPhone with no additional equipment. It took me about six shots with heavy cropping before I got one with my wedding ring almost entirely in focus. I think I can go as close as about six inches. The above photo is with the 4x lens and no additional light. The photo below incorporates my hiking headlamp (just a cheap little LED) I've been carrying in my coat pocket ever since my November Reign project so I wouldn't be walking along the bike path in total darkness.


I was impressed!

Here's the 8x lens with the light of the headlamp.


And here's the 15x with my headlamp.


Below are my tiny little crocheted cupcakes, the first photo to show the element of size, and then with the iPhone with no additional lens, followed by the 4x, the 8x and then the 15x.










Obviously, I'm not going to be able to use these little gems for praying mantises and ladybugs because I'm not going to get that close to them with an iPhone. But we are expecting some snow this week (thank heavens... it's about time!!!), and I may just have to test my newest arsenal out on frozen fractals!

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A Pain in the Back

Remember those T-shirts vacation T-shirts once so popular? "My mom and dad went to Hawaii, and all I got was this stupid T-shirt."

I went to the Denver National Quilt Festival, and all I bought was fabric for a dress, fabric for a bandana and this supposedly amazing heating pad I thought I could tote along during Ride the Rockies.

The sales people rushed to get me to try out the long-lasting and refreshing heat of the Click It Hot Cold heating pad. ("Oh, look, you're even holding your back! You have back pain! You are so ready for this heating pad!") It took me about 15 seconds of test drive (sitting on a heated Click It) to decide this was about the best invention ever.

You click a little metal coin inside the gel pad, and within seconds, the gel contents crystallize and radiate the most luscious heat, perfect for an achy back or rusty hips.

The sales people didn't bother to tell me until after swiping my credit card this heating pad has to be boiled in water to be reset. For a lot longer than the two full minutes they claimed. And then fully cooled before it will work again. If you didn't boil it long enough the first time, you have to boil it again and wait all over again to make sure it doesn't partially crystallize again.

Not so efficient, in my opinion.

Before I got home from the Denver National Quilt Festival, I was trying to make the best of what seemed like a really stupid purchase. I thought perhaps the Click It might work if I poured a cup of hot water over the bag. I was reasonably sure I would be able to get hot water each evening of Ride the Rockies. I could just pay for a cup of hot water from any coffee vender, I thought.

Nope. The Click It must be boiled. Two minutes, they say, but my experience is more like 20 minutes, perhaps because I'm at altitude. The Click It must be fully immersed the entire two to 20 minutes. Pouring a cup of super hot water on it doesn't reset the product.

The heat the Click It produces once it's been reset is awesome. The heat lasts far longer than my homemade bean bags, corn bags and rice bags I nuke in the microwave for two minutes before using. The Click It also doesn't smell like Mexican food, popped corn or morning cereal. Not so sure that's a plus or a minus, but it's the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Click It has no odor.

This little blue gel pad didn't accompany me on Ride the Rockies. Had I known about the reset process ahead of paying for it, I doubt I would have bought it. I don't use it very often because it is so difficult to reset at altitude. The Click It is just too inconvenient, and, in my opinion, requires too much electricity to reset. Nuking my homemade bean bag is faster.

You know the old saying: If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. In the case of the Click It, definitely so.


During Ride the Rockies, we happened upon a new (to me) heating pad called TheraPearl while looking for bag balm. I bought the sports pack size, at roughly a third of the price of the Click It Hot Cold pad, and have been using it on my back for a while now.

Just like my homemade bean bags, corn bags and rice bags, this little gem may be heated in the microwave, but only 30 seconds for this little miracle.


The TheraPearl is made of blue gel beads or pearls and is lightweight and compact. Not that it matters, but it's pretty to look at and fun to roll in my fingers when I'm not using it on my back, sort of like the packing air bubbles my brothers and sisters and I liked to play with when we were bored about 30 or 40 years ago. The TheraPearl literally feels like moving pearls around inside a firm bag.

It doesn't hold its heat as long as the Click It, but it's better than my homemade bags because it doesn't smell, and just like the Click It, the heat seems to be consistent across the pad. It's much more portable than the Click It or my homemade bags, and it can be frozen as well as heated.

I wish I'd found one of these before I bought the Click It. It would have saved me about $30, and I would have had it every night of Ride the Rockies.

On the bright side, I'm set for next year's ride, if we decide to throw our hats in the lottery!

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