04 February 2022

Friday Funny

uranium ore

Funniest product reviews a decade ago...

Ok for cleaning teeth, not so great for killing ants. Picked this up for use in one of my kid's 'diversity' projects in school (Great Success!), and stuck the leftovers in the cabinet next to the baking soda.

Ran out of toothpaste and remembered how you're supposed to be able to use baking soda to clean your teeth, so of course, I accidentally used this instead, and Wow! All I can say is, my teeth have never been cleaner! They sparkle, they tingle, and for some reason, they STAY clean now, no matter what. Highly recommended!

However, when I ran out of that fire-ant killer powder stuff, I figured I would try some for that too.

Big mistake!

Boy, it sure did not kill those ants!

Fortunately, those suckers get slower as they get bigger, so I have been able to use a shovel to take care of most of them, one at a time though, the sneaky devils.

And the darn trash man refuses to take them away.

I would have given this product 5 stars for the teeth and the project on embracing diversity, but I deducted one star because of the giant mutant ants.

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Timeless Style: True story - I spotted these on a grandpa leaving the Menard's parking lot the other day. Considering they were new in 1985, these Zubaz are as durable as they are stylish.

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Weary of Paying Full PriceI tried the Tuscan Chocolate Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz. It was "good", but not "45-dollars" good.

Next time I'll wait until someone's selling a used copy.

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Oddly, I only recently became aware of the The Mountain Men's Three Wolf Moon Short Sleeve Tee, but I moved quickly to secure my own piece of Machine Washable Awesomeness. As soon as it arrived, I knew I was in for something special, as the Fed Ex guy delivered it while wearing a personal rocket pack that I believe he uses to jet around the country, personally handing out these Tees.

As the rocket smoke cleared, I ripped open the delivery envelope and slipped on my shirt, which at first I though was far too large for me, but strangely my torso automatically expanded to the required girth. Almost immediately, I gained voracious appetite for Moon Pies and High Fructose Corn Syrup, which I was able to satiate with a quick trip to my local Walmart (there is a special VIP cashier for Three Wolf Tee wearers).

And it was only then, upon my return to my trailer, that the full power of "the Boys" was realized. No sooner had I stepped foot into my rusting Airstream, than my girlfriend accosted me with such a ferocious passion, that she knocked out my only remaining tooth and, sheared off the axles on my trailer! Needless, to say, life has been good ever since. Indeed, the only time I have left my trailer since was to burn all of my other clothes - once you wear the Three Wolf Tee, you will never want or need to wear anything else.

Warning - do not wear this shirt if you value a life of mediocrity , or if you want to remain invisible to women.

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Finally, a tank you can trust: I'll admit it. Shopping for a personal tank can be a bit daunting. Many times in the past I've purchased overpriced, so-called "battle tanks", then driven them into battle only to be wrecked in ten minutes by the first blow off of some insurgents home-made morter.

But not this baby, no way.

This tank R-O-C-K-S! Literally- the 400-watt sound-system keeps me rockin like a crazy man as I'm dishing out justice commando style. Wow. I just can't say enough. And the kids love it, too- imagine the look of terror in the eyes of the enemy as I'm dropping off my kid's team to their soccer game. Shock and awe, my friends, SHOCK AND AWE!

I had NAO install the optional GPS-guided white phosphorus missile system, and talk about *SWEET*! Burn baby burn!!!

Oh, it also has plenty of room for groceries, and if you need to like move a loveseat or something it'll fit if you use a little bungee cord.

The only real negative with this tank is that it shows up on radar a little more than I like (although there is a polyresin graphite stealth model available). Also, the included spare isn't full size.

Overall, a great tank.

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Please don't make the same mistake I made. It is with the profoundest regret that I report that the Nuclear Grade duct tape does not . . . and I mean definitely not . . . eliminate the seepage of the unique form of energy created by cold fusion.

The languorous but potent Sigma waves emanated by cold fusion have escaped slowly but inevitably from our hitherto secret research facility. They have begun with a grim, inescapable determination to deactivate the electromagnetic bonds that unite all matter in the universe.

In short, the Mayan calendar should be taken very, very seriously.

Our staff has already dismantled the containment chamber from our facility, discarded the Nuclear Grade duct tape, and sold the magnesium-titanium-kryptonite intercorbite dicrumupulator tubing to a scrap dealer and used the proceeds for a case of 18-year old Scotch.

In the face of this impending universal catastrophe, we recommend not only to the human race but also to any other sentient creatures in the universe to follow our example with the utmost expedition.

If they're out of 18-year old Scotch, just do what you must do.

"Some say the world may end in fire,
Others say in ice.
We know cold fusion's released its ire,
So please take our advice"

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