Good Friday

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Wordless Wednesday

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Highs, Lows and Aurora Borealis

I think I'm going to have to crochet a new color Northern Lights Snowflake! I bet we get northern lights here in Colorado at least one more time this year! Meanwhile, I sure had fun making blocks for my 2024 digital temperature quilts after actually seeing and successfully photographing northern lights dark and early Monday morning!

The Aurora app on my phone notified me twice very late Sunday night/extremely early Monday morning (and again Monday afternoon, during full daylight) that we had reached K7, which meant low latitude northern lights!!!

The first time, Lizard was still pacing the floor, unable to sleep. I asked if he'd like to go east with me so we could get away from the light polution of the Denver metro north of us, the same direction we'd have to look to see the northern lights. Anxiety is a huge part of Parkinson's, and he was too nervous about going out in the dark, so we went to a nearby hill and crossed our fingers. I could see the northern lights movement with my naked eye, but we didn't get great shots. The cell phone, which actually does a good job with northern lights because it sees more of the light spectrum than we can, just doesn't have a powerful enough zoom. The point and shoot doesn't see everything we see, and even enhanced via Photoshop, it's difficult to see the full color scale we saw with our eyes and thoroughly enjoyed watching for a few minutes.

The second time the notification alarm went off, I woke, but Lizard didn't. I didn't feel like I could leave him home alone long enough to drive and shoot, and there was no way I was going to wake him from a good slumber. So I stepped out onto our front porch with my phone, and my eyes about popped out of my head!!! I could see pink and green, and pretty high in the sky to boot! I was in heaven!

I moved down to the driveway and shot about four frames, uploaded the best one to my community group on Facebook, then went back to bed. The next morning, I downloaded the point and shoot, then tried enhancing both the cell phone and 35mm photos with Photoshop and AI. I created a collage illustrating of the difference between the two cameras and the two different northern lights occurences in my neck of the plains meet foothills. I'm still overjoyed I finally got to see northern lights in person!!! I'll never turn down an opportunity to see them live in person further north (or south, as in Antarctica), but I feel so blessed I got to see them this time around!

I think I dreamed the rest of the night (or, I guess, very early morning) about how I could interpret this celestial event in my digital quilts.

I dug out the old snowflakes made back in... oh, my gosh! 14 years ago!!! Photographed them on the appropriate colors, and I digitally quilted the newest blocks.

Sometimes it feels a bit like pressure to have to keep going with all this year's digital temperature quilts. But after another day of something special, man, I can't wait to see these printed on fabric at the end of the year! The blue is going to make the most awesome dress, I think!

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Tender Mercies

When a ride buddy from the past passes you, then slows and rides your pace for five miles to bolster your confidence and keep you company, sacrificing his monster climb because he's so happy to see you back on your bike...

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Forgiveness

I've been cleaning out my email for a couple of weeks now; it's amazing how much saved correspondence can pile up in 30 years! Who would have thought any server had enough space to hold all my (then) important letters!!!

I was asked to speak in church last weekend. Things at home got so busy, I had to temporarily pause my old email review. Now I see that time crunch was a huge blessing. On Monday I reached the old saved email year when the guy who murdered my sister came up for parole. My family had asked me to write a formal Family Impact Statement to be read at the hearing. My email for about two months back then centered on a lot of unresolved feelings on behalf of my family members, Christian as well as non-Christian. I have tender feelings, too, even now, nearly 10 years after that parole hearing. Reading those old emails again really did a number on me. I am SO thankful I wasn't burdened by those memories as I prepared what I would say in church on Sunday.

Re-reading those emails this week is still as painful for me as it was back then. Back then, it brought up so many buried memories I had done so well not re-living. I think family members had the same experience, with the exception of two in particular who still harbor anger and vengeance to this day. I wonder sometimes if those two will ever heal.

Digging up all those painfuil triggers probably was not a good idea, but it is necessary because the email vault I'm clearing out is going away permanently. I was so messed up emotionally after scanning through the bulk of the horrible memories, I think it got to me physically, too. The severe arthritis in my hips tends to complain loudly when the skies turn gray and when life becomes stressful.

All I could do was lay down in my bed and weep. Then pray. I asked God if I had not truly forgiven. I thought that's why I hurt so much. I thought I still had not fully forgiven.

Suddenly, the words of my bishop a couple of years ago washed away all the negative feelings and emotions. We had talked about forgiveness. I had confided in him about extremely painful memories from my youth and the flashbacks I was experiencing following the death of a cruel person. I asked then if my flashbacks were because I had not forgiven.

My bishop was thoughtful for a few moments, then shared something that helped me get past that painful experience and has now helped me again to wade through feelings I did not understand. He said I have scars, and sometimes, scars can be painful. Scars do not mean forgiveness has not been granted. They are just reminders of the pain. He said I am in good company, that there is Someone Else who has scars. Our Savior bears the scars of extreme cruelty. As fast as the thought came into my head, the pain was gone, and I felt honored to share scars with Jesus Christ.

I was able to return to my email task, where I came upon a lengthy email my brother sent explaining why he was asking not to be included in the Family Impact Statement or follow-ups. He had forgiven, moved on and no longer had any vengeful feelings. I'm SO thankful I'd saved his email! I've now saved a copy of it in my journal so I can refer to it often. I then re-read the email I sent to my family members after the initial Family Impact Statement conference call, and Lizard's response to my whole family, both of which I'm including below because they are another step in the healing process.

My Email to My Family: I thought everyone might need something to smile about today. Yesterday morning we were enjoying watching two mating tree sparrows flirting in, above and around the birdhouse in our backyard when a neighbor cat climbed all the way to the top and stuck its paw into the nesting hole!!! Unsuccessfully, I might add. We, being the cat lovers we truly are, chased the hungry predator away. He can eat the mice, but no birds!!!

Lizard spent the day yesterday building a sheet metal sleeve (with protruding screws) below the birdhouse to protect the hopefully new family while mommy bird and daddy bird sat on the fence scolding him the entire time. They returned to the birdhouse when he was done, so we think we may have a new generation in a couple of weeks.

However, last night, Lizard saw what he thinks might be either a raccoon or a bobcat walking our fence, and this morning he found fresh bear scat in our backyard!!!

Lizard's Cheerful Response to My Whole Family: Yes, it's amazing the wildlife we get in our yard considering how close our country community is to suburban sprawl. I'm pretty sure the intruder was a bobcat. If it was a house cat, it's one for the record books.

I saw an unusual silhouette on the fence and hit it with 120 lumens from about 50 feet. It didn't like that too much and immediately jumped down about seven feet. I think a large raccoon would have scurried and/or down-climbed versus jumping that far. According to the fish-squeezers, we have a healthy mountain lion population here. However, I've seen only one while mountain biking close to home.

Bears are very normal here. Although, not too much in our yard. In fact, the powers-to-be place signs throughout the community and constantly warn people to keep a clean camp.

My biggest concern, however, is stepping on a rattlesnake (prairie rattler). It's been about two years since we've had one in the yard. I don't mind the other visitors, but the rattlers can just keep off our property!

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Tender Mercies

It was not a Christmas to remember, but it is one we won't soon forget. And yet, there were so many tender mercies.

I completed CPR recertification for the first time in five years literally the week before I needed it. My employer paid for my training, even though I am not in the office the required "at least three days a week" they mandated. I volunteered to pay for it myself, but I was never billed.

While growing up, my grandmother taught me, via application, that Vicks Vaporub is the key to winter survival. She taught me, again, through how she tended to me and my two little brothers, that (pure, local) honey and lemon work just as well as any over-the-counter concoction. As does a warm salt water gargle. And vitamin C in almost any form, particularly pineapple. Oh, and steam. Breathe it in, breathe it in, breathe it in. Back then, Grandma would drape a towel over our heads as we stood on a kitchen chair to lean over a steaming (blue with white flecks) tea pot on the stove and breathe in the steam. I don't need a towel these days. My hair LOVES pretending to be a towel. And it looks pretty darned healthy and wavy after I finish!

Drugs prescribed to treat Parkinson's don't play nicely with over-the-counter meds, so natural remedies are just about the only way to kick the common cold. Thank heavens, one of my super powers must be my often unbelievable immunity. While growing up, I cared for my entire 9-member family through two bouts of "Hong Kong" flu without ever contracting it. I did steal Lizard's sore throat for two days a couple of weeks ago, but only after accidentally using his toothbrush. It's been so long since either of us was sick, I'd forgotten I ALWAYS replace our toothbrushes after we've had a cold or virus.

Steam. My goodness, who in the world would have ever expected me to be thankful for those pesky tiny black "no see 'em" bugs I couldn't get rid of, even after I gave away nearly all our houseplants? Back about three months ago, another gardener told me the best way to get rid of those mini monsters was not the dish soap/apple cider vinegar concoction I'd been spraying on the pots and soil for years, but to instead dump a pot of boiling hot water down each drain (where the vexing little bugs nest) every day for at least ten days. It worked. The steam also humidified the kitchen/dining room/living room of our house, and I wanted to make sure the little bugs didn't come back. So I kept doing it. I think that homemade humidity made our air healthier when we needed it most.

The prayers of friends and loved ones literally got us a next-day emergency appointment with the general practitioner, which prevented us from the likely hours-long wait Lizard would have had to endure at an urgent care center while I filled out mountains of paperwork then trusted his life to strangers who don't know his history and which meds he can take. Not to mention the potential exposure to more winter germs after he had just successfully recovered from 12 days of a common cold complicated by allergies. The week before Christmas! I expected we'd have to make that emergency room visit because no one would be able to squeeze us in until after the new year.

I didn't find out about the medical emergency until 2 a.m. Sunday. It would be 28 hours before I could call the family physician. (Yes, I tried the number, and was directed to call 911). The aforementioned CPR training (which no longer includes splinting or stopping bleeding, which I independently studied up on at the same time because these skills are as important to me as a caregiver as CRP and AED) was just what I needed just when I needed it.

2019 total knee replacement

Four of my bosses did not protest when I informed them Monday morning of our last-minute medical emergency appointment the following day. My fifth boss sent me one of the kindest emails I've ever received: "Deb, you do whatever you have to do to take care of your husband and get him the medical care he needs. Nothing here is as important as that." My sweet co-worker graciously volunteered to cover for me during the appointment, just as she did during the pandemic when I attended my dad's funeral and Lizard's step-sister's funeral. (Assigned coverage during time off in summer and fourth quarter requires months of advance notice.) The miracle of me being allowed to work from home is continually one of our most huge gifts.

Hardwood floors. They came with the house, and boy, am I ever thankful most of the house is not carpeted. Lizard dripped blood everywhere his restless legs carried him before he discovered he was bleeding. So grateful this Parkinson's-ravaged, often-confused and sometimes childlike sweetheart of mine noticed he was oozing before the bleeding began and took the time (fighting all-out achiness, given the nature of the looming medical emergency) to cover each seating surface in the house with a towel and an old bicycle T-shirt. Every single T-shirt he used now displays "war wounds" of the night neither of us will ever forget.

The ability to calmly and tenderly slow the bleeding and encourage coagulation while panic was banging on the door and screaming in my ears. The almost magical healing power of fresh air on highly irritated skin. The ability to keep cleaning and dressing wounds without violently displacing everything I'd eaten the previous day and everything I ate the next 56 hours. The power of hydrogen peroxide in removing blood stains in the tub. The ability to forget how much the blood in the tub scared me when I discovered it hours later. The ability to keep eating after some of the horrendous views I thought would haunt me for months or perhaps even years. The miracle of not dreaming about Lizard's suffering every time I close my eyes.

The example of my sweet mother, who three times daily dressed the wounds on my diabetic father's legs for nearly a decade to prevent gangrene. The doctors told my dad all those years it would not be high blood pressure or cancer that got him. It would be the gangrene. Cancer won.

The example of my friend Shonna and her husband the last four months of her life when she was the one bleeding and in agony as her bed-ridden body slowly succumbed to ovarian cancer. Shonna's closest friends would volunteer to sit with her eight to ten hours while her husband went to work to keep the medical bills paid. The first time I volunteered, I had never seen such suffering in person, and I was horrified. I didn't know if I could finish my shift. But sweet Shonna, between bouts of unimaginable pain, would ask me to massage her feet, which is how I learned to massage Lizard's restless legs. She would ask me to sing "I am a Child of God." And she requested I sing it at her funeral. (Yes, I did.) I think God helped me finish that first shift because there's no way I could have done it alone, even though I love Shonna with all my heart and wanted to do whatever I could to help ease her pain. The biggie, though, was watching her husband lovingly do the tender but painful necessary cleaning of highly sensitive skin as she screamed and moaned in pain. He would continually tell her how much he loves her and how everything was going to be okay. Not once did he shy away, and not once did he express any hint of negativity. I'm not sure he knows he taught me to do what I had to do for Lizard last week by teaching me how to do it for Shonna.

The miracle of sleep. For both of us. I had to work each week day of our trauma, and I was able to get sleep once Lizard was able to get sleep. Sleep allowed me to keep functioning, even when it seemed our whole world was being ripped apart at the skin creases. The miracle of healing. Lizard is mending. And he's still getting some of that precious sleep.

Christmas is a time of miracles. Our lives may not have turned out the way we dreamed, but we certainly receive enough miracles to make up the difference. All year long. Most especially, this year. Not a one of these tender mercy "gifts" was wrapped, but if we were able to pile them, I think the tower would be taller than the skyscraper I call work.

Last week was a nightmare. But I know Whose footprints are in the sand. And snow...

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My Best Day Ever, the Sequel

I wrote about the dress I made for my special day back in 2021. I designed a snowflake on my special day that year. I saved the rest of the story for an equally special day. What day could be more appropriate than Thanksgiving?

And now, I have yet another miracle to add to my story. I'm SO thankful I get to share my special day here once again! Updated with the most incredible surprise...

Everything about our special day in 2021 was a miracle. Literally everything.

We had long hoped to be sealed in the San Diego Temple on the anniversary of our civil marriage. 2020 happened, and all temples were closed. That temples began phased opening in time for our anniversary was an answer to the prayers of many, not just us. Limitations remained. Numbers would be limited, and we could go only to the closest temple.

I had hoped my brother and my mom would be able to join us if and when we could finally be sealed. Too many restrictions remained in place. If we were able to go to the temple during the summer of 2021, there would be no family members present to celebrate with us. That was a painful pill for me to swallow. I also didn't know at the time I wouldn't get to see my dad alive again. Yet another bitter pill.

And yet, being able to go to the temple again after such a long absence would still be a tremendous blessing. I kept having the feeling I should not wait. I didn't know if it meant Lizard's health would continue to deteriorate or if the world situation would continue to get worse. As it turned out, there was a little bit of both. Among other difficulties, Colorado was plagued with horrific wildfires. The smoke in the air was awful, but it sure made for some wonderful sunrises and sunsets. I'm very thankful we moved forward with our 2021 plans, even though sacrifices were required.

When we first began trying to schedule a date, I was unable to get the actual day of our civil wedding anniversary off from work. Then I learned the Denver Temple, the only temple we could attend during pandemic restrictions, would be closed for its regular maintenance break the week of our anniversary. If I'd been able to secure that day off, we would not have been able to go to the temple that day. An unusual blessing, but a blessing nevertheless.

One of my friends suggested I schedule our sealing date on a different day so we could have two anniversaries to celebrate. I requested a different day off, and not only did I get that particular day, but the following day as well. In a way, it would be a sort of second honeymoon for us, and I relished the thought.

Because temples were going back into operation on limited schedules with limited volunteers, the scheduling process was quite modified. I cried when the temple entered its regular maintenance closing without our sealing scheduled. I assumed I would have to secure yet more time off much later in the year. I wasn't the only bride awaiting a temple date.

To my utter delight, a volunteer called me during the break to schedule! Because of Lizard's special needs, the temple staff suggested I divide our special day into two to make it easier on him. Less time sitting still. And I already had the two days off!!!

The temple staff was beyond helpful in making adjustments and modifications to accommodate Lizard's special needs. I purchased his clothing, and on the day of our sealing, at his request, I let him try to get dressed by himself. (Buttons, belts, zippers and other assorted tasks are challenging for him these days.) Half an hour before we were supposed to leave, I noticed he had not put on his Sunday best yet. He was decked in his khaki utility shorts and Mt. Rushmore T-shirt. I asked if he knew he was expected to wear his Sunday best. He not only was shocked, but devastated because his church clothes, unbeknownst to me, were in the dirty clothes. He thought the white temple clothing he would be changing into inside the temple was the only "frou frou" he needed.

I immediately performed a rush wash and dry on his clothes while he panicked. Before we left, he asked if I had our "coupons." Meaning, our temple recommends (sort of like a driver's license, required for temple entrance). His sense of humor injected joy into what could have been a very stressful rush to arrive at the temple on time.

We arrived at the temple right on time. (I always schedule "get ready" time at least an hour prior to what we really need these days because EVERYTHING takes longer.) Lizard was quickly escorted into the temple by kind and patient volunteers aware of his needs. Waiting for anything now has the potential of making everything more difficult for him, and he didn't have to wait at all. We also managed to schedule during the very short time period in which masks were not required. Just two weeks after our sealing, masks were required once again. Which brings up yet another miracle I had no way of recognizing at the time. NONE of the people in our small group got sick as a result of our sealing. All of us remained healthy.

Walking into the temple with Lizard that first day was the most incredible feeling! He has taken me to so many temples all over the western United States, and he has always waited patiently for me outside. This time, he went INSIDE with me. It was just about the best feeling in the entire world for me!

Lizard was seated at the back of the chapel for easy escape, but he didn't need it. He rarely is able to sit still longer than ten minutes, so an hour was asking a lot. He did beautifully. He was able to remain seated the entire hour-plus session.

Special arrangements were made for the second day of our temple date, too. Lizard once again was able to stay seated the entire time, even though he was in his medication down time. One of my dearest friends used my phone to snap some photos of us outside the temple. I neglected to bring my good camera because I just had too many other things on my mind. A hawk was pearched on the temple spire! A holy hawk, we called it. I returned later in the day, hoping to be able to get a close-up of my winged friend, but it was not to be.

Lizard was miserable when I asked if I could go back to the temple for a few photos with the good camera. I knew he didn't want to because he was so restless and agitated, but he said yes. Even though he knew I'd likely spend an hour.

Not only was the hawk missing, but there were not that many different varieties of flowers, either, so photos didn't take more than about ten minutes. I wanted to Photoshop a flower frame for one of our temple photos. Each of our friends who were able to attend sent us photos. I try to do something fancy like a flower frame for each bride I shoot, and now I've done it for me!

Now that temples are open again and back to normal schedules, I try to go through a session (sort of like a church service, but on weekdays or Saturdays) at least once a month. Sometimes I'm able to get off work in time to go a little more often than that.

In July and August, a hawk was perched atop the temple spire when I arrived. But I didn't have my good camera with me. In September, I didn't make that mistake. I knew the odds were not in my favor, but that red-tail knows the best place to hang out in all the metro area. My holy hawk (I don't know if it's the same one as in 2021) posed endlessly for me! I feel as if my special day has come full circle!

As time goes on, Lizard's Parkinson's grows worse and takes a little more of my sweetheart away from me. Lizard would not be able to make it through an hour-long church service now, just two years later. Our 2021 timing really was perfect, even if it wasn't what I'd dreamed. Being able to be sealed during everything that was going on in the world that year brought me so much joy, faith and hope I had not been able to maintain without all our unique sealing blessings.

When a marriage occurs outside our temples, it is performed "until death do we part." When a marriage occurs inside our temples, it is "for time and all eternity." We believe we will still be husband and wife when we complete this life's journey.

I continue to lose a tiny bit of my favorite person each day, but I know I will see him again after we both pass on, and I know we both will be whole there. Parkinson's will no longer have my Lizard... I will have him!!!

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