The Promise of Peace

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Leaping Lizards

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A week or so after Lizard passed, one of my friends told me I would find him when I began doing again the things we loved. Another friend told me to watch for signs that he might be near.

I will be candid. I have not heard or seen Lizard or felt him near. I wish I could, but I also realize my task might be to walk by faith. And I'm doing the best I can. Yet, I have looked, listened and paused quite frequently in search of any kind of sign he might be near. I'm kind of to the point that I don't actively search for him anymore because it's too disappointing. I now try to be grateful for the time we had, strengthen my faith and live worthily that I can be with both him and my Savior again one day.

I saw lizards in Lizard's mother's backyard on Mother's Day. That was an annual thing for the last five years, I think. We began making Mother's Day trips over there as soon as it was safe to travel again after we were all vaccinated. The trauma was still so fresh this Mother's Day, seeing the tiny little lizards doing their pushups made both Lizard's mom and me cry. The little lizards are not unusual for her. She sees lizards about nine or ten months out of the year.

I first got back on my bike about six weeks after Lizard passed. It took that long. And I didn't really want to ride then. But I had no choice, unless I Ubered, which I didn't want to do. I was dropping off my car for routine maintenance, and I didn't want an Uber charge on top of whatever the car was going to cost. So, I rode my bike home from the shop. In the rain. I cried almost the entire way. I told everyone who asked that the sky cried with me the whole way.

I'm really thankful now that I took that first ride. It enabled me to get back on my bike. I'm typically riding twice a week now. I've been up Waterton several times. I've seen some great wildlife. But no lizards. Which is not typical. (And no bears, which is just my extreme wishful thinking...)

Until last week. My sister-in-law has been riding with me at least every other week, just to get me back on my bike, but she wasn't able to ride that day. So, I went alone. We had planned to do a different trail than either of us had ever done, but because I was going to be on my own, I decided to ride up Waterton.

I saw nothing on the way up, which isn't that unusual. On the way down, I passed a baby snake in the middle of the road. I circled around for a photo, then used my front bike tire to encourage it to get out of the middle of the road so it would not become a pancake under someone else's wheels.

Suddenly, a very large lizard charged right at both me and the snake!!! The lizard was a little bigger than the snake. I thought I was in for a showdown! I was so shocked, I didn't even think to get the camera ready.

I didn't know who was going to eat who! They were staring at each other, and the lizard kept looking at me, then looking at the snake. Finally, after just a few seconds, the lizard scampered off behind me.

I looked it up when I got home. Snakes will occasionally eat lizards, and lizards will sometimes eat small snakes. That was just fascinating to me. It still is, really. I've never seen anything like that before, and I feel what I witnessed was better than a documentary, even though nothing happened. Just to see two completely different species face off like that!

After I got the baby snake safely across the road (after one cyclist who didn't see it nearly did run over it caused it to jump about two feet in the air... I'd never seen anything like that before, either), I asked Lizard out loud if this means he was there with me. I felt kind of bubbly inside.

All the rest of the way down the canyon, I kept wondering if the lizard was a sign.

At the bottom of the canyon, another large lizard ran across the road right in front of me. I wondered aloud again if this was a sign. Was my Lizard with me? Did he know I was thinking of him?

Then, out of nowhere, five planes flew overhead in formation. Like they were practicing for an air show. On a Tuesday! There were no air shows I knew of. (I did learn Colorado's 150th birthday was last Saturday, so perhaps they were practicing for that.) Lizard would have been overjoyed!!!

I asked God without praying. I think I said something like, "That has to be a sign. Lizard would have loved to see that. He HAS to be near."

I was still happy inside, so I'm going to believe Lizard either knew what I was doing or knew I was thinking of him. He knows I'm trying hard, and he knows I'm trying to be more faithful, and that makes me feel so good.

This week I realized I waited 45 years to find my Lizard. I can't wait to see him again, but I know from experience, I can wait. He was worth every minute of waiting 21 years ago, and he's worth waiting for now.

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Ministering

I listened to a podcast last week that really hit me. These are my notes:

Jennie Taylor, wife of the late Major Brent Taylor, shares ideas on how to minister to those who are grieving the loss of a loved one.

There is absolutely no one-size-fits-all approach, and people are never done grieving. Words like closure and moving on have no proper place in discussions about losing a loved one. Asking, "How are you:" with just the right amount of sugar in your voice and tilt in your head isn't likely to yield very honest results. I'm not a professional counselor or grief specialist, and i certainly don't claim to speak for everyone who's ever lost anyone, but i have been asked to share with you a little of my own grief journey and what has been done or said by those who have genuinely sought to minister to me and my family during our time of loss. Let's talk about what happened, what helped, and what didn't help.

[Her husband had been deployed in combat four times, and, then, less than two years before this broadcast was recorded (in about September 2020), he was killed by the enemy during a military hike long AFTER the war had "ended". He left behind seven children ages newborn to 14. His deployment would have ended just two months later.]

Most of us don't know what to do when we're faced with grief, and we really don't know what to do when someone we love is faced with grief. So, sometimes we do nothing. We're worried we might say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or make it harder or maybe offer an offense which we didn't intend. We're all eager to help, and yet, we don't know how. We get paralyzed in our fear that we might inadvertently actually make it harder, and so, we kind of dance around it and go about our day.

Here are some of the things very well-meaning people said to me that really didn't help:

Grit with Grace: Grief is hard work. We need grit, but it doesn't come easily. We comfort each other by strengthening each other. The real grace isn't elegance or beauty, but the grace of God.

He's in a Better Place: I know that place, and I want to be there with him, but I'm here in an ugly place doing an ugly thing, trying to survive without him, trying to raise seven kids and help them through their grief, trying to pay all the bills, trying to figure out all his passwords so I can manage our household, trying to get the water heater fixed, trying to keep the car running...

My husband is a part of me. His purpose did not change when he died, and neither did mine. I long for the day we can be in the same place again. But it's going to be a long time and a long road before that happens.

Your Best Days are Ahead: I don't like thinking that my best days are going to be alone. The future is overwhelming. Just focus on today. God doesn't move in linear time. Future me can take care of future things. Looking forward alone is very scary. Take it one minute at a time.

Heaven Needed a Hero: So true. I know my husband's best days also are ahead. But God did not take my husband home because He was shorthanded. My family is shorthanded. We can't erase grief. We can't put a bandage on it. God doesn't necessarily make things happen, but he can make beauty out of things that happen.

Let Me Know if You Need Anything: I don't know what I need. Keep a notepad so you can jot down things you need and then give people ideas when they offer. A better way to ask that question is to ask things you think they need and let them choose how you can help. Give simple choices.

Finding Closure and Moving On: Who in the world wants closure when they've lost someone they love? I don't ever want to close the door on my husband. I move forward WITH my husband. My husband affected everything I've become for the last 15 years. I'm opening the door to a new chapter.

Holidays Can Be Hard: Even harder than holidays are the milestones. The first Sunday at church without him. The first birthday without him. The first back to school without him. Birthdays, anniversaries, family traditions, those moments that were so full of life are now empty, lonely, and painful. The first month without him. The first wedding anniversary without him. The first year without him. Those days are the days to send a text or make a phone call or invite for a meal or even just drop off a note. Let that person know you are mourning with them. Instead of feeling alone on those days, I know someone I love is going to be remembering with me because they don't let those days pass without reaching out to me.

Elephant in the Room: Whether you say anything to me or not, I still remember my husband. When you talk about him, even if I cry, I know it means you love and miss him, too. Please don't hoard your memories. Tell me about the times you shared with him. Tell me about the things I didn't know about him. Never hesitate to talk about him. I want to hear! Even if I cry. Don't be afraid of emotions. It's healthy. It's healing.

[Here, she also spoke about the ways people have tried to help her children. She emphasized she wants to be the one to help her children through their deepest grief, but she praised the people who invited her children for game night or movie night or came to watch their games or performances.

One of her children asked: "What good does prayer do? I prayed Daddy would be safe every morning and every night, and it didn't work." She shared the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. "But if not." Everything hard helps us to become more like our Savior.

I do not have children living at home, but I do have my own kid point to add. Last week, I got to teach crochet to one of the 8-year-olds I taught in church for four years. This week, I got to ride a bike with one of the 8-year-olds I taught in church for four years. Parents of children I taught and teach have been reaching out to me consistently, and man, what great experiences we are sharing.]

Fix it vs. Face it: You can't fix the fact that my husband died. People can't fix that. The Savior heals. The Savior makes us whole. The Savior compensates with blessings. What if Lazarus had not died? Raising Lazarus was a miracle that offers hope. What would the world be like without that miracle? The ultimate raising of the dead, of course, occurred prior to the opening of the tomb. But what would that lesson look like without the healing of Lazarus first to better help followers understand what was about to happen?

When we face extreme grief, the Savior allows us to minister to each other, He allows us to show His love to those in need.

I get to feel the power of the Holy Ghost helping me change my mind when I think my loss is such a horrible, awful thing. I am grateful the Savior allows us to use our heartache and our tragedy to lift and heal and to provide hope to those around us. When we feel extreme despair, Christ will send extreme hope, extreme love and extreme promises, that through His atoning sacrifice, all will be made well.

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Friday Fortius

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Blessed Friday

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He Heals

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Because He Lives

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The Most Wonderful Time of Year

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For Unto Us

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Breath of Heaven

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The Most Difficult Season

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Faith over Fear

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Get Used to Different

I was going to write about my point-and-shoot freezing up in February, sending the camera to Nikon for repairs, getting it back good as new a couple of weeks ago, and how wonderful it is to have my trusty li'l cam back. I couldn't wait to share photos with my reconditioned camera! Believe it or not, I haven't even had a chance to use it yet. That's how crazy life is for me these days!

For nearly 9 months now, I've been able to sleep when Lizard sleeps. It's been glorious. But it's kind of been like motherhood. Brand new motherhood. His sleep schedule is not predictable, but also pretty backwards, sort of like an infant. For so long, I was sleep-deprived trying to keep an eye on him at night, then working long hours, albiet mostly from home, five and six days a week.

We're trying to flip the schedule now so we can take advantage of warmer, sunny days to stay active and hopefully slow the rampant progression of Parkinson's. It is NOT an easy battle!!! But we're doing the best we can. I'm hoping we might be able to sleep at night and walk or ride bikes during the day by the end of May. My original goal was April 15. Well, we didn't quite make that one. But I haven't given up!

Needless to say, there are lots of hours when I must conduct my personal activities quietly so I don't wake him. It's kind of weird that he can sleep through a jackhammer next door, but my rapid typing will wake him and cause him to be restless. Perhaps it's ghosts of that whole work-at-home thing...

There have been a few crochet endeavors because I can do that quietly. I can also read quietly. I can sometimes even edit snowflake photos without making too much noise. If the heater is running, and I close the bedroom door.

One of the things I've been able to do when he falls asleep while watching television is watch something I want to watch. For a couple of years, my friends have been encouraging me to watch The Chosen. As the episodes began to pile up, I became more and more reluctant to get into the show because I didn't want to have to start over every time I'm forced to take a lengthy break.

I rewatched and relistened to all my favorite Easter podcasts throughout Holy Week. There were so many, it took until last Thursday to finish them all. Friday I found myself hungry for more of the same kind of programming.

I watched the first two episodes of Season One of The Chosen. And I was addicted!!! I've been binge-watching ever since, every chance I get. I don't get enough chances! But I'm finally getting to watch! I even get to crochet a bit sometimes. When I can peel my eyes from the television screen...

This has got to be some of the best programming ever done. I just finished Season Two. I wish I'd been able to keep up with it all along. But I'm sure enjoying it now. And there's kind of a thrill in watching them night after night. I could go sleepless again just to finish the rest of the unwatched episodes.

Yet, it's good to absorb a couple of episodes at a time, then ponder. This Jesus has a great sense of humor! And yet, the gentleness, the tenderness, the thoughtfulness, the patience, the sheer exhaustion... The portrayals are magnificent. The casting is perfect. The photography makes everything so realistic. The storytelling is outstanding. I am brought to tears so many times. I had to step away after watching Jesus walk by the crosses at the beginning of his ministry. I think that scene is going to stay with me a very long time, and, honestly, I hope it does. I hope I never forget. I hope my heart will always be pricked by the Savior's sacrifice. I am so grateful for this visual portrayal. I am so grateful to be able to strenghten my soul and my faith via the only opportunity I might get to sort of walk in his footsteps.

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Love One Another

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Sunday's Coming

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Good Friday

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He Reigns

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Friday Fortius

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Light of the World

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Why We Need

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