31 July 2015
Special Agent Mark Giuliano
Regional Deputy Director
Peeled Intelligence Groups (PIGs)
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC (You didn't include a zip code, so neither did I.)
Attention: MARK GUILIANO,
I sincerely apologized (two months ago) for sending you this sensitive response to your poorly worded and atrociously spelled e-mail instead of certified mail due to the urgency and importance of the security information of all computers and bank accounts throughout the world. Thank you for carrying out investigation on the diplomat accompanying the boxes containing $4.1 (large sum of money) and backup documents which bears my name. The boxes indeed were sent to me by the Federal Republic of Nigeria (through the security company in United Kingdom, which explains why this apology took two months to reach you via the deep, murky waters of Purgatoire River not far from where I live).
The package you intercepted contains not moola but pillow case dresses made by school children in my home state of Colorado for school children in Nigeria (and other countries prone to harbor spammy email composers). I understand how this horrible misunderstanding could have transpired, since pillow cases were indeed once used to carry (large sum of money) illegally obtained via bank hoists long ago in the old west. The missing document you describe is the dress pattern, which was not included with the shipment because the dresses were not only so simple they need no instruction, but the dresses are all done. Complete. Finis. The End. The package was being returned because the dresses are all the wrong size.
According to 18 U.S.C. § 1701 (US Code - Section 1701: Obstruction of Mails Generally), you knowingly and willfully obstructed or retarded the passage of said package and shall be fined under this title or imprisoned not more than six months, or both. Preferably both. That ought to keep you away from the keyboard a good long while.
Oh, and as to the charges of money laundering, I'm sure you are familiar with "Back to the Future," in which a huge truckload of manure, of the same variety as the load in your correspondence, found itself upon the driver of a certain 1946 Ford. Well, said driver had a wallet in his pocket, and yes, the money did need to be laundered, as well as everything else in Biff's possession. If you are not convinced of the necessity of such money-laundering, I would be very happy to acquaint you with another truckload of manure, all expenses paid, up close and in person.
Please do evade the law on me. I welcome your relief.
Warmest wishes for the fleas of 1,000 camels (or mosquitos of 1,000 caribou) to infest your armpits,